Strictly for my Ninjas

It's great when you have to look down at your t-shirt to find out how to spell a word. Last night was ok...I saw some good guys, and had some stiff drinks...who knew that I liked Vodka and Cranberry juice? (not me). I ran into Werner, who spent the first half of the evening keeping away from me, and the last half cornering me. My dad showed up for a moment to join us for a drink, and I was so happy to have dad-o help me turn my back to Werner. Later, drunker...I needed a ride home, so Werner took me, and then we talked for the better part of an hour about our potential friendship. Have you ever read a Janne Austen novel, seen a britsh movie, or heard Eddie Izzard's stand-up routine about either? Crushes are like those three things...a glance, a meaningful word, an accidental bump down a corridor, a 2 minute dance at a ball...and suddenly you're entranced with someone...do they know how you feel? Do you know how you feel? You wait for a letter, a second glance, a bit of gossip...and all the while, social propriety stops you from marching over to the person and making like third-graders..."I like you, do you like me?" But when you cross that line...you have left yourself open for the most crushing attack..."No...I don't."...That's why I've been all about the secret crush...living my life pretending I wasn't in love with the boys that I so desperately wanted to smooch...some, it may have worked out...some I know it would have exploded in a stinky mess...and all in all, I'm glad I didn't make that move, but in at the time, I wish I'd had the guts...so in that respect, I'm glad that Werner can be so honest with his feelings and desires...he wants to be my boy, and he doesn't let me forget it...but I tell you true...it's not happening. Sorry W. I hate the idea of turning down a chance to be desired...but at what cost? I'm not dealing with this nonsense right now...it was nice and fun while it lasted, but it's time to let go. Perhpas I'm shooting myself in the foot...turning down my last chance at happiness...(Jinx's snorts with laughter at this point...so does Ninja's inner Tricky...) I'm not gonna just take what I can get, love-wise. I may not know the love of my life yet...and I sure don't think that I met him last night (although there were some hotties there) and it's real nice to feel eyes on you from across the room...but those eyes can be an admirier or a stalker...and one is definately different from the other.

But it feels so right...

Is it wrong to leave class and hide in the ladies room texting a boy? Is it wrong to talk to someone that hasn't shown any interest in me? Is it wrong to tell someone to "shut the fuck up"? Is it wrong to want to be rich (I mean, like, 1920's Vanderbilt rich, accounting for inflation)? Is it wrong to talk to a little kid at the bus stop, even though her mom probably told her NOT to talk to strangers? Is it wrong to hold a kid's hand while they step down from the bus? Is it wrong to watch three movies in a day, on a school night? Is it wrong to like Everclear (the old 90's band, not the slammin' beverage)? Is it wrong to tag along with my sister's friends to go bowling? Do my jeans smell? Did I forget to wear a bra? My dad and I are going to the same nice restaurant tonight for dinner, with different groups and under different circumstances...but it makes me feel like I'm a little better off then I think...is that wrong?

knowing my coffee order...

I have a regular coffee shop...awakenings...i have developed an affinity for espresso shots, which they pour to taste like caramel, and I down with one or two gulps...I know it's uncooth, but I'm in Ohio...where it's still pronounced EX-presso. Anyway, I go in almost every morning, as it is right down the block from work, and frankly, it's the only time I can get a decent cuppa. There are the various assortment of barista boys...I only know two by name and while neither of them are crushable (to me), they sometimes upgrade my drink order to double shots, and never charge me for soymilk. Anyway, today...the "other" barista...the part-time graphic designer...was behind the counter, and called out my order before I could...it's the little things like that, on a chilly spring morning that kind of feel like a hug and a smooch. Tonight I am invited to an "evening" at a fancy restaurant by the bachelors of cincinnati...and I'm going, even though it might be a farce...I have the VCR set to tape The Office, and my roommates are advising me on make-up tips and clothing...and I just hope there's someone there worth talking to. And I hope there's a decent meal...cafeteria food sits kinda heavy, you know?

Mt. Everest

Last night, I spoke with my dear friend Angela, whom I miss very much...and I was happy to talk to her and hear her musical laugh in my ear and think of her in her cute apartment, snug as a bug under a blanket...this morning I woke to the smell of spring and freshly washed hair and the sight of budding daffodills, a letter from my dad including an article about Burlington Vermont and a horoscope that said it's time for forgive and move on...I'm choosing life today. I am being too hard on myself and the world right now, and I'm going to try and stop doing that. I'm going to listen to my favorite songs and walk outside as much as I can and revel in my 4th A+ paper (whoo-hoo!)...read the article my dad sent me and remember the beauty. This life is mine...I chose to do it and I choose to like it or hate it. Getting drunk doesn't help...watching 5 hours of TV doesn't help...and being all weepy doesn't help. G-lo gave me some good advice, and by gum, I'm gonna do it. I miss hugs and smooching with friends who walked into my life...but it'll come back...plus...at least I'm wearing my favorite t-shirt. Smile, dudes...I'm eating chili fries.

Just...breathe

Panic crisis over...or abated anyways. The sun is out, the snadals are on...and I had an actual full night of sleep last night, due to the fact that I have decided to sleep on the couch for the rest of my time here in "roommate hell". Plus, four of my very dear friends became parents in the last 8 days!! We welcome to the world Alexander Matthew Taber and Lily Jane Larson...the new lights of the world! My nerdy friends have babies!! The boys that I grew up with, drank too much with and (ahem) other assorted debauchery are now sleepless dads...with groggy wives who are real troopers and will make the most wonderful moms. There's nothing like babies to turn frowns upside down...and as an added bonus, I recieved multiple pictures of the new babes and my three girls from VT...Mo, Bev and C-ya are three sisters with whom I have an unabashed crush on...I've known Mo since she was in the womb...and loved the family since I first set eyes on them. C-ya will turn one year old in a matter of weeks...and she is climbing the stairs and making lots of noise each time I call. Middle sis Bev is cute as ever, with more and more of here dad's family coming out in her features...Oh, my babies...I did wake up to the startling news that I have a test today...a test I could have been studying for the entire spring break...but now have 4 hours to prepare...I called off work in the interest of maintianing my GPA...I wish I could maintain my bank account and still ace this theology exam...but choices must be made. After the test, I'll have the afternoon off and I'm not sure what to do about that...you know what I need...a good solid crush...on a boy...

That's the Cincinnati way!

Here's what you do if you're really from the 'nati...after a rant...after you've blown your top and been really honest...or even beyond honest...and used too many swear words...you apologise...and that's what I'm going to do...I'm sorry dear reader...I'm sorry I can't turn this frown upside down...I'm sorry I can't seem to remain positive even as the temps rise (thank god...I'm not wearing a jacket!) and I'm sorry I'm such a goddamn pill when I don't get my way. I'm sorry that I place such am importance on being special in someone else's eyes. I'm sorry I look a gift horse like a free haircut and dinner out in the mouth. I'm sorry that I wasted even one minute of one day of my break...although I did spend a great deal of time on the couch watching "crappy" movies that I laughed at often. I'm sorry I drink too much and I'm sorry I forgot how to rock. I want a good job...I want to make a decent even great paycheck that will allow me to take a vacation in a place other then my parent's house. I want a boyfriend. I want to go to a rock show and sit in the front row. I want my own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I want another weekend with my brothers' girlfriends and I want them to want to impress me. I want to be worth more than just a diploma with Bachelors of _______ written on it. I want a pretty new dress and fancy shoes. I want to smile again and mean it. I want to feel less like a reject on the sidewalk and more like a hand painted porcelin urn for $2500. I want you to want me. I need you to need me...Id' love you to love me...and yes, you did see me cryin'...but not for fucking long.

f*cking f*ckity f*ck

Alrighty...that last few posts just seems pathetic...not so much the idea of clinging to the small things in life...but the dwelling on the even more insignificant crappy details. This was my spring break, goddammit...and I spent the whole break wanting just to be back at school, a welcome distraction from what I considered (in the 3AM of being drunk at my parents house) my crappy life. My life is not crappy...I know I know...but dammit...when is it going to feel as awesome as it used to? I have been back in O-Hi-O for less than 2 months, and I still get the thrill of seeing people with Bengals sweatshirts and Ohio plates on their cars: "hey...I'm from Hamilton County!...Wait...I'm IN Hamilton county" And yet I've been out of VT long enough to wonder if I ever really lived there. I'm serious...I wonder where that life went...where are the rock shows...the Long Trail (beer)...the delicious food? The people my own age?? This past week was spent working and dwelling...working at the shop, whose business is in the shitter...a shop where it's difficult to want to stay when you sell only $80 worth of merch per day...and then when I'm not working, I was volunteering...setting up a fund raiser for my brother's school and waiting for the weekend when my other brother's would be in town with their significant others...I had hoped the weekend would be a much needed relief from my doldrums...but can you honestly hang with 50 or so suburban moms and with their huge diamond rings and fancy cars and really feel like you're going to surpass their economic bracket...and if I do...what else would I have to spend my time and money on then my children...I know this shit doesn't make much sense...but trust me....the whole vibe in OH is different...it's like being in a Jane Austen novel...women get married and pop out babies and then take care of them...and if they don't, they are independently wealthy and they have lots of houses and perhaps a horse or a plane. I was trying to find someone at the fund raiser to speak to who had a child that dropped out of college...and it just isn't done here...the kids my age all finish school and walk down the aisle or into their dad's law firm...or out of their parents lives and are never spoken of again...me...I'm the random 30 year old that the parents all say it'll get better...but behind my back they warn their kids about me..."Do you want to end up like Ninja? Living with 19 year olds and working at a failing shop on the failing square? she can't even afford new clothes!" and I can't...I got a haircut this week...my parents paid for it...I had my makeup done for the event because I have broken out so much it's embarrassing...I went to a lovely restaurant...all on someone else's dime...because my dimes are actually pennies...but what am I bitching about!?!? I have a supportive family...a group of people that help me when I need it...I'm in a place with no chance of the heat or electricity getting turned off...I have buddies that remind me with comments on this here blog that I'm being listened to...what the f*ck is my problem?