Sgt. Ninja's Broken Hearts Club Band

About to live through another V-day...sigh...not that I don't have anybody to love...I have a heart full of friends and family to express emotion to...and I'm not going to go off on the predictable rant about it being a hallmark holiday...or a pagan sex ritual...nope...I guess just think it's a silly "holiday"...probably because I won't have someone to hug and kiss a million times and maybe it makes me a little heartsick. I mean, I don't want to have a "steady" or anything...but I have needs, you know...I like to be wanted and to feel that same want inside myself. I think that a bit of this is just me feeling a little alone in the world...like nobody really understands me. I think I'm being pulled down by the grey weather today...and the extremely hard physics midterm that I just finished, which makes my brain feel real empty. Going in to the test, I was so positive...and once I turned over the third page...the one with all the diagrams and essay answers...my jaw literally dropped. Oh jeez...this is getting harder by the day, you know? Here's the really crappy part...I was not-as-nice-or-as-thoughtful as I could have been this weekend to one person that I had considered close to me. Yeah, I was backed into a corner, and the fangs and claws came out. Normally, I am proud of myself when I can protect my heart from advances such as these...but not this weekend. It was weird...this boy likes me more than I like him, and it didn't end well. I feel like an asshole...but what can I do? I feel like I have so little in the world...I mean, I've been here in Ohio for one month (on Valentine's Day) and I share a room with a girl who snores...I have nothing but my clothes and poster collection to my name...and 5 classes that are beginning to get difficult...I just want to feel like it's getting better...and I know that it is...but I want to know HOW...the when part doesn't so much matter...but I just feel so uncertain. Like, should I get used to living here? Will I find that super-cool internship (or, better yet, job?) tomorrow? Can I find a nice apartment? Will I ever get my kitty back (I miss her so!)? I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer...things really are not so bad...I came home from work and my one roommate had gotten homemade cookies from her mom and shared them with me while we talked about boys. And the boy that came over yesterday brought me beautiful flowers which he allowed me to keep even after our fight. I gave back the rest of his gifts, including the iced cream, a real stupid move on my part since it was Black Raspberry Chip and iced cream always makes the heart feel better.