f*cking f*ckity f*ck

Alrighty...that last few posts just seems pathetic...not so much the idea of clinging to the small things in life...but the dwelling on the even more insignificant crappy details. This was my spring break, goddammit...and I spent the whole break wanting just to be back at school, a welcome distraction from what I considered (in the 3AM of being drunk at my parents house) my crappy life. My life is not crappy...I know I know...but dammit...when is it going to feel as awesome as it used to? I have been back in O-Hi-O for less than 2 months, and I still get the thrill of seeing people with Bengals sweatshirts and Ohio plates on their cars: "hey...I'm from Hamilton County!...Wait...I'm IN Hamilton county" And yet I've been out of VT long enough to wonder if I ever really lived there. I'm serious...I wonder where that life went...where are the rock shows...the Long Trail (beer)...the delicious food? The people my own age?? This past week was spent working and dwelling...working at the shop, whose business is in the shitter...a shop where it's difficult to want to stay when you sell only $80 worth of merch per day...and then when I'm not working, I was volunteering...setting up a fund raiser for my brother's school and waiting for the weekend when my other brother's would be in town with their significant others...I had hoped the weekend would be a much needed relief from my doldrums...but can you honestly hang with 50 or so suburban moms and with their huge diamond rings and fancy cars and really feel like you're going to surpass their economic bracket...and if I do...what else would I have to spend my time and money on then my children...I know this shit doesn't make much sense...but trust me....the whole vibe in OH is different...it's like being in a Jane Austen novel...women get married and pop out babies and then take care of them...and if they don't, they are independently wealthy and they have lots of houses and perhaps a horse or a plane. I was trying to find someone at the fund raiser to speak to who had a child that dropped out of college...and it just isn't done here...the kids my age all finish school and walk down the aisle or into their dad's law firm...or out of their parents lives and are never spoken of again...me...I'm the random 30 year old that the parents all say it'll get better...but behind my back they warn their kids about me..."Do you want to end up like Ninja? Living with 19 year olds and working at a failing shop on the failing square? she can't even afford new clothes!" and I can't...I got a haircut this week...my parents paid for it...I had my makeup done for the event because I have broken out so much it's embarrassing...I went to a lovely restaurant...all on someone else's dime...because my dimes are actually pennies...but what am I bitching about!?!? I have a supportive family...a group of people that help me when I need it...I'm in a place with no chance of the heat or electricity getting turned off...I have buddies that remind me with comments on this here blog that I'm being listened to...what the f*ck is my problem?